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I’ve been married for 22 years. We have 3 boys together. For our entire marriage, I have been the breadwinner. I don’t hold a degree, but I have worked at the same company for 25 years. My husband holds 2 degrees and has worked at his company for 23. I’m paid well for what I do, but my husband is not. I make nearly twice as much as he does and I have all of the benefits. His pay has not increased in nearly 7 years, he’s in management, however, he’s making as much as he would if he worked at McDonald’s–entry level. I’ve been "cheerleader" from the get go. "How can I help you find something else?" I’ve helped him with his resume, sent it to places, opened accounts, given several attaboys, etc. He still just stays where he’s at, comes home and complains daily and is generally a bear to live with. He’s miserable but does nothing about it. Now he’s working with a career counselor, but he’s spinning his wheels. I’ve stayed out of it completely because I felt I was probably enabling his behavior of not searching for something. We’ve been to marriage counseling as his negativity, anger issues, and his infidelity (online) got the best of me. He’s never hit me, but there is something negative about EVERYTHING. I can’t even tell him if I got a raise or if something positive happened at work. "Yah well, enjoy it while you can because you know they’ll probably pile more on now." Everything is negative. After being with our marriage counselor for 3 months, it became apparent to the counselor that my husband needed to attend counseling alone for awhile. My husband went, but would never share what they discussed and I never pressed. But it came to a stop. I inquired with the counselor and was basically told my husband was nonresponsive in therapy and until he decides to participate, this was going no where. I feel like I’m in limbo. I’ve suggested he get his testosterone checked–it’s fine. I’ve suggested he speak with our doctor about possible depression–he refuses. He says my answer to everything is pills (a couple of our kids are ADHD and against his judgement, are on meds). In the meantime, I have to juggle money CONSTANTLY (we have JUST enough money to pay bills, but no money for social things, extras, or savings, etc), explain to my kids when my husband calls them names like "stupid" or "idiot" that he doesn’t really mean it, he’s just upset with the situation. I find that I am no longer sharing things I don’t need to for fear of him bringing me down. I can’t seem to respond to him sexually, which is just frustrating him further and quite frankly, IIIIIII don’t even care. I don’t want it. At all. Not even a little. I don’t even want to be touched. If I were to kick him out, I fear for my kids. They’ll have to go with him on visits and the older two would just prefer to have nothing to do with him–although they need male guidance. Although if we stay together, I’m still afraid of what all of this negativity is going to do to them. I don’t feel they know what a real, loving marriage is like and quite honestly, I don’t either! In my heart of hearts, I believe him to be a good person. He helps around the house. He fixes things. He likes to cook (not the best of dishes…ha!). He’s giving to others. But at home with all the doors closed, we’re miserable. Does ANYONE have any happy endings to a story like this??

Happy ending ………….
Divorce papers on a new coffee table that is in your new 1 bedroom apt. and a naked lover waiting in your bed !

I read something online that it does help because one person is then approaching the marriage differently and they are like a gear in the mechanism (marriage) and if it does something different it affects the whole marriage…

Has anyone gone just them and did it help your marriage?

Hello Dear ~

The answer to your question depends on why therapy is needed.

If one of the couple has a problem, then why should the other person have to go? If I have anger issues, why should my man go with me to therapy, when I am the one with the problem.

HOWEVER, in cases where the problem is a MARITAL issue (cheating, sexual stuff, etc) rather than a personal issue (anger problems, trust issues that have nothing to do with the marriage, per se), then both of the couple should go.

If you’re married to an alcoholic, or an abusive guy who can’t handle his emotions, then HE needs therapy, so the chances of your marriage getting any better are zero unless he goes.

So, what’s your story?

For more information on premarital resources click this link: Premarital resource.

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I was wondering about doing two online petitions:
1) A petition that will legalize (not decriminalize) the killing of an abusive spouse, partner, or parent (or other family member or caretaker) if it can be proven that the person who killed the abuser either tried to get out of the abusive environment or was afraid to leave or had no way to escape the abusive situation. I don’t think this will change the numbers at all or at least not by much if this happened but I do believe this will make the abusers think twice before abusing their loved ones.

2) I want to start a petition making contract marriage legal in all fifty states (in the US). This would mean that the couple who wants to marry would draw up a contract with terms and conditions for how they should treat each other, handle finances, and handle other issues as they arise during the course of the marriage and also outline the conditions for divorce which are commonloy abuse, substance abuse, infidelity, irresponsibilty, and abandonment. In most cases, there would be a ceremony and a minister would sign the contract along with the two parties but unlike covenant marriage, the conditions for divorce are more lax although pre marital counseling would be a prerequesite for a marriage like this and marriage counseling would be recommended before a divorce unless there is abuse or abandonment.

While all citizens have the right to petition the government….. that does not mean they will act on that petition

Legalizing the killing of an abusive spouse would result in chaos….. as to abusers thinking twice…..they do not even think ONCE now; what makes you think they will stop and think twice…. violence is an emotional response….not a premeditated calculated act

Contract marriages…. you can do that now….. the provisions thereof are whatever the contracted parties want…..

According to the Constitution…..the federal governments job does not include actions of this nature…..I doubt first that you will get many signatories…..certainly not enough to garner any attention ……and second the Federal government / Congress could not do anything even if it wanted to….. NOT THEIR JOB

My husband who is a gemini, has been saying things lately like he will be working late for a week, and if you want to bring someone else over you can, cause I wont be able to spend time with you. He has also said that He would be happy either way, single or married won’t make a difference. Instead of talking about our marriage getting counseling, hes looking online to buy new car. I think it’s finally over.

You can see the majority of answers are providing you with advice, strong stuff. Once out of his life he will probably stalk you for the next 100 years. It seems he doesn’t know he is married. It is odd that Gemini do not know what it means to be married. If you have decided it is over you need to start making arrangements for your settled future before making any move.

Has anyone ever tried to find a marriage counselor that offer’s counseling via the internet. Or is it even legal to do this.

I have never heard of this so I did a quick search using Google. Here is a list of URL’s you could check out:
www.marriagematters.com
www.lightyourfire.com
www.familytherapynet.com
www.online-counseling-service.com
www.asktheinternettherapist.com

I have my doubts about how effective it would be to do this. Maybe if you had a mic and speakers and could talk VoIP, maybe it would work. But it seems there would be so much you’d be missing. How can you read body language? If one person is becomming uncomfortable or defensive, how would the therapist see that? It seems there are a lot of ques your therapist would be missing and it would lessen their effectiveness.

I think what would be cool though is to have couples counsel each other. I’ve talked with friends about their marriages and we’ve kind of counseled each other. But I imagine in the wrong circumstances, that might inadvertantly start some nasty fights.

So I guess my answer is that while I think it is an interesting idea, I don’t think it would be as effective as traditional face-to-face marriage counseling.

Also, I think that traditional marriage counseling might start more problems than it solves. I really like the Gottman approach which essentially says that the more you get to know your spouse, the more you will like him or her. Gottman wrote a book called "Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work" or something like that.

Hope this helps.

Found emails on her laptop that she is talking in a bad manner to a guy she met on Facebook (hate that place now). I confronted her and she told me she was unhappy for sometime and that it just happened as an outlet for her. She felt the guilt. We agreed to work on our marriage and go to counseling. I even acknowledge that my inactions (not helping w/our 2 young children, not paying her attention etc) is what led a lot to her doing this bad thing. I asked her to stop talking to him and she said she did. The last 3 weeks things have been great, I have changed so much – for myself and for her, and she says that she is much happier now (and in love again). BUT, I have found out she is still talking to him and it’s really graphic, they say they love each other, and they plan to meet – thankfully he is 3 states away. Should I confront her and risk all the good progress we have made or continue to watch it and hope she ends by herself as she sees how good we are now. She is addicted.

You are in counseling and she is pretending everything is good when it isn’t. She is lying, and that can only be bad for your relationship. She is really not willing to work on your relationship if it means breaking it off with the other guy. It’s only a matter of time before she physically cheats, she’s already emotionally cheating on you. Is this really what you want? A woman that has no respect for you, thinks you are a fool and that she can lie to your face? Someone who is willing to destroy a marriage over words written by a stranger?

IMHO, you should confront her, in counseling to not make things nastier than they already are. And she needs to choose. If she doesn’t choose you, cut your losses and move on, find someone who is willing to work on a relationship.

I live in a small village with no one available, is there an online marriage counselling service that operates via skype?

OK i understand your predicament! The solution is really simple and easy…You need to learn how to use that powerful mechanism you have between your shoulders! Most of us go through life living on this default mechanism called "THE REACTIVE RESPONSIVE ORIENTATION"…What is that?
Simple it is when something happens and we react or respond to it. The danger in doing this it leaves powerless to control the outcome. The only way we can over come is to use the "CREATIVE PROCESS"…When we engage C.P. we gain control over our lives as well as the outcomes become favourable. We first need to program our mental mindset
So as to ensure we do not fall back into default thinking. Then unlock our own untapped
Potential that’s where the fun starts.

I am a performance coach and have assisted people with physical and mental challenges.
What I found in many cases the mind was the first place to start and finish the work.
When you want some more insights peakperformancenow@live.com

Make it a great day,

Coach