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If I know what conservatives are thinking, they will try every trick in the book to stop gay marriage even if the President declares it OK. What else will they try?

Obama’s support of gay marriage won’t make much difference – since marriage laws are the purview of individual states. But yes, the homophobe bigots will do anything to interfere with gay civil rights. A number of states want to force women seeking an abortion to undergo invasive ultrasound probes, so if the state governments (mostly men) think they have certain rights over women’s bodies, why shouldn’t they have certain rights over gay people’s minds too?

They could conceivably declare homosexuality a mental illness, and ban psychologists and social workers from treating man/man or woman/woman relationship conflicts, since in their twisted minds, it would be promoting mental illness.

I met my wife when I was 19. Unlike most kids my age, I wasn’t a fully developed person. My mother was a "helicopter mom" who controlled everything I was doing because rather than getting me help for my anxiety issues, she thought being more strict and trying to "break my will" was a more effective way to deal with the problems she had with my behavior. It doesn’t help that my parents are conservative and religious and I grew up liberal and free thinking.

So the entire time I’ve been with my wife, I have been trying to develop my personal identity. The problem with this is I chose to identify too much with my wife and kids and I am still just a hollow shell as a person.

The more I think about the problems I have in my marriage and in my parenting style, the more I realize that the reason things are the way they are is because I have been insincere with who I am as a person. I dedicate and devote too much of my time to my wife and not enough with my kids. This has created a codependency on my wife and I have never established a healthy independence.

I have made a few attempts to develop a personal life, but after having SO much attention on my wife (who constantly called me smothering) go down to limited amounts, my wife does these things to draw me back in to codependency on her. She might start and argument, or guilt trip me (something my parents did to control me), or she might just give me a silent treatment and call me names so I have to apologize for something I didnt do.

I have been asking lots of questions on here for about a year now trying to figure out what to do to start taking care of myself but so far I haven’t received advice that works. I have tried therapy, marriage counseling, adhd research, anxiety reducing herbs, and self help books; none of these things work.

I currently have no job, no friends, no car, no hobbies, and I am not allowed to spend my wife’s money on leisure. We have two kids together, they are grade school aged. Help?
Pearl All the things I said I don’t have in the last paragraph are things that my wife feels is important for me to have. The only thing that really matters to me in that paragraph is the no friends and no hobbies part. Everything else is an inconvenience but I am a stay at home dad so it all comes with the job.

I’m planning on going to college but my wife won’t allow me to go on campus because then she would have to give up her routine (that she’s happy with) and she said that as long as my "changes" don’t affect her life then I am allowed to do whatever I want with my life…

It is very clear that you moved from your mother to your wife, who are identical personalities. You were drawn to your wife because she is just like your mother. Often people feel safe with what they know, so your wife was an easy choice for you. She is domineering and controlling, like your mother was/is.

You need to get out of the house, even if it is for a part time job. You need to pursue some of your interests. Even just volunteering would get you out and give you some independence and to meet people. Take an adult education class in something you are interested in. Just for your enjoyment. Your wife is not going to help you with any of that because she likes keeping you under her thumb and you are too weak to fight her for your freedom. So, you are going to have to begin doing things for yourself and assert yourself. Just do it without her input.

Your wife is going to have a fit when she sees you being your own person but this is the only way to break the cycle and begin living your life. You need to get your behind out of that house and stop depending on your wife for every single thing.

Begin by cooking and doing things on your own and for and with your children. Wake up early on Saturday and make your kids pancakes. Create a dessert night where they get to make their own ice cream sundaes. Take them to the park. Take the initiative and just do it without "permission" from your domineering wife.

You really seem intelligent and I give you tons of credit for isolating your problems and realizing something has to be done. That is half of the battle.

I’ve been together with my husband for 10yrs. I met him when I was 19yrs old and we have since had 2 great kids (boys;). We have had our struggles in our marriage but we have never had a satisfying sex life. We have been to counseling, read books, watched videos, talked about it together, played around with different positions, toys, ect… In the past sex wasn’t that big a deal to me so, although I wished things were different, the whole thing really didn’t bother me too much. We have such a good relationship when it comes to everything else but this has always been the hurdle that we couldn’t jump. I’m worried that maybe we are just friends and not lovers. I feel like I have been in counseling during the better part of our relationship…at what point do you know it’s time to call it quits? I feel that my husband and I are missing the best part of a relationship and that is “showing” each other how you feel about one another. I can’t even kiss him??? When he comes close to me I can feel myself pull away…not matter how hard I try not to

no excuse for a divorce… for better or worse… (passion or no passion)

learn not to pull away… train yourself…

practice makes perfect…

I been going to marriage counseling with my husband and he said he has a problem with knowing/learning how to be more sensitive. Any good books out there? Maybe something that has some exercises for him to try?

*How to Make Your Man More Sensitive by Diane Glynn and Dick O’Connor

I told my husband after 14 years of marriage that I was not happy anymore but was willing to go to marriage counselling to try and get it sorted out. His issue is that I am not intimate with him anymore and even though I have tried to tell him that I don’t physically feel that way towards him he said marriage counselling would be a waste of time as it was a talking shop and we needed to go to sex therapy to get me having sex again.

This has been going on and off for a while, sex therapy being mentioned and I said about ringing and he said he wouldn’t because he couldn’t afford it and he wasn’t paying someone to have marriage counselling when we could sort it out at home even though when I talk to him or try and discuss things I feel I am talked at or he always has an answer. He said to me that if I started making love again then he would be a more positive person and I would be happy as well. He also mentioned that if there was not going to be intimacy he would go online and find a 20 year old and if I was out working on an evening I would come back to find him in bed with her and he has said that to me twice now. For the record he is quite a negative person about things in life including not having friends and moaning about his job. We have children and I find myself getting negative and angry as well.

In the end I took the bull by the horns and rang Relate and I was on the phone a long time and he said ‘have you been slagging me off to a friend again’ and I said no I have been booking an appointment for us. He thought it was marriage counselling but when I said it was sex therapy he went quiet and seemed happier especially for the next few days. We went for the appointment he said how he felt and I just found I couldn’t say what I wanted or how I felt. When sensate was mentioned he turned round and said ‘well you need to be committed to it two times a week and I am bothered you wont do it’ and I said ‘well I made the appointment so I think I am’. Two weeks on he asked me on the weekend that we had not heard anything. I said he could ring up and he said no its booked in your name, I said that made no difference so he then slagged Relate off and I said you can make your private appointment and he said no I will be back at work and I said you can do it after work and he said he can’t afford it and I said I would pay for it.

To be honest I feel we need to go to marriage counselling before sex therapy but all he sees is if he is intimate everything will be right in his eyes, he will be a happy person and everything in our lives will be ok.

I know the men will probably say give him what he wants and you will see a change in him but I am not sure what to do other than doing all the appointments and giving him what he wants and make him the happy one.

I felt sorry after seeing your story.

Try some tips in the below site. I am sure your marriage will survive and you will not think for break up any more.

http://makingup.enatural-remedies.com/win/magicback.php

In one of my books it stated that 3% of marriage counselors have had sexual relationships with one of their clients (usually female counselor and male client). I imagine its higher because lots of people not wanting to talk about it, not just in marriage counseling but any type of counseling; or client/patient scenario.

How can trusted counselors/psychologists do that? Know we are human but still they are schooled how to know when they are getting too close or how to overcome urges. Why expecially do marriage counselors do this, its quite a high number considering their job is to save the marriage not runi it? Also female counselors too, thought it would be more male counselors taking advantage.
Do you think its more the client initating it, or the counselor?

There is never an excuse but it does happen.
Counseling can be a very highly charged emotional personal process….even for counselors. In order to have a therapeutic relationship, they may attach emotionally to the client and thus lose their objectivity. Most of the time, they may not be aware it is happening. Yes the are trained, but that doesn’t always stop a person’s natural reaction. Obviously they’re not thinking of the future and what damage it can cause. It’s a catastrophe when it does. The initiation comes from each person’s emotional needs being met by the other and the counselor not recognizing their own reactions.
Highly emotional events can cause traumatic bonding (like survivors in a disaster) and the counseling process can be similar.
With female counselors it may a ‘mothering’ instinct to heal and fix. If the client or counselor is particularly needy, the boundaries disappear.
With male counselor’s it may be the power and self assurance. Some clients are attracted to the self-assured, confident, powerful male which may provide security. If the male counselor feels he’s admired, he may feel he can take control.
Some counselor’s have a twisted view (or theory) on how to help others, often leading to bizarre therapies and sexual relations. There’s no single answer.
Thankfully most, if not all, ethics boards and associations condemn sexual relations with clients. The majority will lose their board certifications over it.

My fiance and I can’t really afford marriage counseling but we decided to at least read some books that might help us better prepare for marriage. Anyone have any reccomendations?

There is "the Love Dare" that many are talking about that was brought to attention in the movie Fireproof. It is intended for married couples but may be useful, I am married and I like it.

100 Huntley is having a series over the first 40 days of 2010 and has 3 couples blogging etc. One is an arranged marriage (26 years), one is 21 years and another couple is recently married.

http://100huntley.com/lovedare/author/huntley/

Focus on the Family has a wide selection of books too.

http://family.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/easy_find?event=HPT&N=1034270+5501&Ne=1000000&Nso=1&Nu=product%2Eendeca%5Frollup&category=Books&Ns=product%2Ecbws%5Fnumber%5Fsold

Some churches will have counseling that probably are very inexpensive or free, check around.

Congratulations and God Bless

I gave my husband his last chance today. We have been married for a year. We have a 3 and a half month old baby girl together and his three stepsons They call me mom and they are very close to me very close. My husband does not help me with money at all for our daughter but he does take care of his other kids. He also calls his kids everyday but i have asked him to call our daughter just the same but he doesn’t. Also he in the NAVY and stationed in virginia. I just got out of the navy and moved back to my home town to have help with the baby. I have told him for three months i want to be back with him in virginia and that if we aren’t together we will pro bally end up divorced. He has not made an effort to get me or his daughter back up there. He has been acting different since the day i got pregnant that’s before we knew I was pregnant. But the point is that he is not the person that i married. He would have never raised his voice or called me out of my name its terrible. Here are the actions that i have taken to fix our marriage. I have been to seminars for marriage read marriage books went to counseling and he would not talk the whole time i mean i have done everything that i can possibly think of i don’t know what to do. So today I told him that he had till Monday this coming monday to get everything done for us to come up there and to make it happen. If he doesn’t i will file for divorce. I am sitting here not working or going to school cause i am waiting on him to make a decision so i am living off of my savings. What will happen when the money runs out and i don’t have a job or something to support us. I just need to take care of my daughter and i need to know if anyone out there can help or has advice for me i just really need some help threw this not to feel guilty and to make the right decision so any advice and help will be appreciated.
DV i don’t have a job because i got hurt on my last deployment and haven’t been able to. I almost got killed during my fight with a terrorist. I know about defending my country i know more than most I was honorably medically retired from my injury. So don’t go there. And two she needs to hear her daddy’s voice so she will know him I left out the fact that he gets mad at me for her not knowing him so that is what i am trying to do to make him feel more included. He is being a dead beat dad but i love him for other reasons not these reasons though. I am trying to stick it out and be a good wife but i don’t know if i can do it anymore.
WOW are all men that ignorant you all with rude answers obviously dont have kids thank you to the supportive people

seems to me like he scored well. someone to care for his kids and mother another one with him and now he can concentrate on his career whilst you concentrate on his family. Flick him and garnishee his wages for maintenance and alimony. Then have a cry and get him out of your system ; Then move on with life and look for mr right. You have wasted too much time and money on this low life already ; cut your losses and move on; otherwise you will be broke as well as divorced.

Married 8 yrs. Three kids. He’s an alcoholic who’s been sober (I think) for a couple months. I am currently living at my parents with our kids.

I feel like I’ve tried it all. I tried being understanding, Yelling, Begging. Offered to go to counseling. Offered a couples weekend retreat. I’ve read close to all the books on marriage. I pray often.

He’s not drinking, but he still doesn’t treat me and the kids like we matter. Still, I want to stay married. Do you think there comes a point when you just have to give up even if you don’t want to?

So many people just think it’s so easy and obvious to divorce the addict, but I just don’t think it’s that easy. What would be your breaking point?
Guess I should have said so, but my husband sober is no different than my husband drinking. He really hasn’t changed, except that he doesn’t have a beer in his hand every night. Attitude the same. Negative outlook the same. Neglect the same. Angry outburst the same. He is convinced that now that he’s stopped drinking I should be happy, but he hasn’t changed. He won’t go to counseling. He was going to AA and claims he still is, but I don’t think so.
MamaBouch, thank you.

I think you just hit the wall. After trying so much for so long, what more can you do? The final straw is being treated poorly. The kids deserve attention and love…..not being criticized.

I know a long term marriage takes work.
We have hurt each other dreadfully, althugh I fear more than I hurt him.
The day we married was the best day of my life.
24hrs later on honeymoon and he didnt want to know me. He slept the entire time.

1 Year later and he slept with a prostitute in Amsterdam. I was drunk and giggly. It was a dare but never thought he’d go through with it. He was sober.

We had a disagreement about having kids. In the end he agreed to say yes. When we told his parents his mother looked at me like I was a whoare. He never stood up for me!
Turns out he doesnt want kids. I now respect his desicion.

We’ve never celebrated a wedding anniversay. Married for 4yrs nxt mnth.

YET he wants to save the marriage! He booked us in for counselling, begged for another chance as I wanted to end it.
NOw he’s not sure. the feelings between us are really sore right now but at least we ARE talking! I realise I have also been responsible for this.

ENcouragement?

put the past behind and work on your marriage with him. maybe you also hurt him in some ways in the past and when he took revenge, things got messy. as for his mom, my only suggestion is to ignore her completely for now and only focus on your marriage. you know her coz you’re married to your husband so your relationship with your husband is the most important thing. everything else is secondary. don;t be bitter about the past. don;t worry about the future. only focus on today and now. tell him right now that you love him. tell him that a dozen times a day atleast. love him as much as you can unconditionally. if he is willing to go to a marriage consular, do it. that would be really good. and its great that he wants to stay in this marriage. and he wants things to work out. make that your relationship’s strength "both of you are unwilling to let go. so don’t mess things further. and without any delay, start fresh, without grudges and learn to love and respect each other. remember, the only relation between hubby and wifey is of respect, trust and LOVE. nothing else. after all we’re not related through blood with our hubby’s right. so you have to respect each other. and trust each other blindly. and love unconditionally, everytrhing will work out for the best. good luck!!